my first semester of college was one of the biggest struggles of my life. i felt very alone and had a hard time keeping my faith strong. i felt far away, emotionally, from everyone i knew and when i got hurt even a little bit, i built my wall back up towards God and all of my closest friends. the hardest part of it all was that i faked my way through. anyone that asked how i was doing was given the answer, "great". the majority of these people, i'm sure, could see right through me but kept to themselves. i think a major problem for me was that i was living in the past. senior year was the greatest time of my life. i had an awesome community surrounding me and i was living for the Lord. over the summer, life got even better when i went to work crew. there, i met the greatest people i've ever known, had awesome fellowship, and grew so much closer to God than i had ever been. so imagine how hard it was to go from that to a college where i hardly knew anyone. i had such big expectations for my first semester and when none of them happened, i was angry. over winter break, i went to a reunion with all of my work crew friends, and for the first time in a long time, i was honest with myself and with God. at that point, i decided some major changes needed to happen. i asked God to invade my heart once again and to break down the walls that i built back up around it. i decided that i was going to stop living for myself - stop seeking my own glory - and finally get back to what really mattered in my life; JESUS CHRIST. i cant tell you all how grateful i am that our Father is so forgiving and loves us so incredibly much. he never ceases to amaze me. when i look at my first semester of college, i am so disappointed in myself and i just cannot comprehend how he still loves me after all the times i slapped in the face. yet, i know he does. i know he is rooting for me and is tugging me along telling me that there is more to this life and more i have to do for him. i know we've only had about three weeks of this new year, but already i feel him working. (now that i'm finally letting go of control) in such a short amount of time, he has brought my best friend and i back together for his purpose and started building community here in college. in one week, he introduced me to new friends who are so passionately living for him and gave me opportunities to have honest fellowship with them. i can feel how much bigger he is than i make him out to be. i dont want to live for myself anymore. i want to live for his purpose. i am surrendering all of me to glorify his name, no matter what that takes. i am so so so thankful for a God who picks me up when i fall and never leaves my side. he died for me so i will live for him.
love forever and always.
