something has changed within me.

i just needed to vent a little bit. so to start, i am having such a wonderful time in college. i have become super close with two great groups of people and feel really at home when i'm here. one group keeps me on my toes and keeps my faith strong. they always lead me closer to christ and i couldn't be more grateful for that. the other group is curious and growing and just really fun to be around. but i also still feel really tied to people at home and i feel like my closest friends have sort of detached themselves from me. i understand things get crazy sometimes and we are all really busy but i wish they could make time for me. just because i'm far away doesn't mean i don't need/want them in my life anymore, especially people who have been such a huge part of my life for the past year. even my "good" friends have become closer to me than my "best" friends since i've moved to murray and i just don't understand that.

onto a different subject...

i just cant let go of this one thing and it drives me crazy. i know everything happened for a good reason and neither of us were in a good place at the current time. we were in no way fit to be in a relationship together when we were both struggling with christ. but there are so many things i didnt get to say before it ended. ive tried being friends with this person but they say its "awkward". i dont understand that what so ever. were we not friends prior to dating??? apparently not good enough friends to continue the friendship. i made a lot of mistakes in that relationship by being pushy and probably a little over-bearing at times but my intentions were good. my eyes have been opened to a lot of things that went wrong but i still miss him despite those things. i just want to talk things out and see how he's doing. but i guess if its right, it will happen. i hate that i have to make a conscious effort NOT to think about him. ugh.

in good news, God is doing great things here in murray and i am so grateful for the friends i have made. thanksgiving is in three days and i will be home tomorrow. it is going to be a great weeks. some quality time at home is much needed.

love always.

how marvelous, how wonderful.

oh my my my. this has been a beautiful week. one of my dearest friends gave her life to Christ this week and it has been such an amazing thing to witness. i think new believers are such an encouragement to our own faith. it's incredible how God does a work on their heart almost instantaneously! this girl has been so lost and confused for a long time and after some one on one time with her, a message at co, and a lot of prayer, she finally realized what she was missing. on tuesday night, i got to spend an hour worshiping with her! her heart was literally broken for God! she had so much passion that night and it was so inspiring. the lord has been working hard all around me. i've felt his presence more than ever this week. maybe i am seeking him harder than usual, i'm not quite sure. whatever it is, it's been fantastic. i feel fully alive and very excited for things that are happening here at murray. i'm getting closer to a wonderful group of girls and i know we will be friends forever... i just have that feeling!

lately, i've been extremely upset over a boy and i hate this. i want to be at peace with being single and grow closer to Christ. i know that i need this alone time to get back on track and the last thing i need is something to distract me from that. but i can't control my feelings. i desire so badly to stop liking this person because i don't know where it is going or if it is going anywhere at all. i just feel very frustrated with the whole situation. my "feelings" always get me into a lot of trouble. i'm praying for God to quench my need to feel loved and to have somebody there. i need to remind myself that he is preparing someone that i will spend forever with; someone who will pursue me; someone who has christ-like qualities and will push me towards my Savior, daily. i know this person exists and i have to remember God is faithful to those who love him. i'm keeping my eyes on the prize, father. let them not stray towards relationships or acceptance but only towards you and your glory.

hope you enjoy these pictures of our lord's creation. feel free to share any pictures that you find or places you've enjoyed God this week (: peace and blessings.

random post for this cold monday.

25 things about me (:

1. Ever since June 2008, I've been living my life for Jesus Christ. It's a crazy/joyful/beautiful adventure that is anything but easy. But I know what my purpose is and how could I ever turn away?

2. I am super impatient 90% of the time. It's something I need to work on.

3. College has been super scary and strange but I am learning so much about myself and my relationship with Christ.

4. I have met the most beautiful people ever in Murray, KY. They make my world complete (:

5. I miss my best friends in Lexington everyday of my life.

6. Younglife has impacted my life in too many ways to count and I will be forever grateful for what God has done through that organization.

7. I podcast the services from Southland because I miss it so much and I believe so much in that church and what it is doing in the community.

8. I have the world's best roommate! We always have so much fun together and she puts up with so much from me (: BEAUTIFUL BEAUTIFUL girl!

9. Fall is my absolute favorite time of year! I love the leaves changing and Halloween and Thanksgiving and it getting cooler outside. (as long as it stays above 40!)

10. I miss a lot of people who, at one point or another, I was very close with but I know they impacted my life and have helped shape me into the person I am.

11. I love the word beautiful. I think there are so many people who use it to describe something that can be seen but I believe it is something so much deeper than that.

12. I really really wish that I hadn't gotten hurt cheerleading my junior year.

13. I wish that people didn't rush to grow up. Being young is so much more fun (:

14. One of my biggest pet peeves is fake people. I hate when someone acts one way when you first meet them but you quickly find out they are the complete opposite.

15. I hatehatehate depending on people for things. I've been disappointed too many times in my life.

16. I don't think I have a particular style. I just wear whatever I feel like wearing.

17. I get along with the majority of people I meet. It takes a lot for me not to like you.

18. One of my biggest flaws is that I am a people pleaser. The majority of time, I put others feelings in front of my own and although that's not necessarily a bad thing, it's not always beneficial for my own happiness.

19. I know what I want to do with my life but I know that God's plans are bigger than my own. So I'm learning to just sit along for the ride.

20. When I fall for someone, I fall hard. But I try not to let my feelings show so I don't end up getting hurt.

21. I think that every person is good deep down. We all just make mistakes because we believe the lies that the world tells us.

22. I have fallen in love with Murray. It's such a simple, pretty place to go to college. But I would never want to live here after college is over.

23. After college, I would love to travel the world and then move somewhere south like Georgia or South Carolina.

24. Some of my closest friends are scattered all over the country and my heart literally hurts when I think of how much I miss them. December 27 is going to be the greatest day of my life.

25. I am a happy little girl and I have been truly blessed with a wonderful life and fantastic friends. What more could I ask for?! (:

for you - i sing, i dance.

so for the past few weeks, i have been struggling with temptation very badly and last weekend i fell into it. there hasn't been any external pressure what so ever. all of the people i hang out with know my beliefs and know that i don't drink. the pressure was entirely eternal. i let satan take an inch and he ran with it. since then, i've been so torn. what happened? where did i decide to turn my back on God? i've been lifting up my worries to our Lord and praying for him to take the desire to sin from my heart and to reveal his purpose in this hard time in my life. i know that God didn't cause this but i know that he can take the mistakes that i make and turn them into learning and growing experiences. i've been asking my brothers and sisters in Christ to pray for me this week because i believe whole heartedly in the power that prayer has. last night, i had a long, wonderful conversation with my dear dear friend jimmy. he is someone who i know is very close to the Lord and i know God uses him to push me to the limit and break my heart. after that conversation, i felt a lot more at peace than i had all week long. thank the Lord for honest, loving friends! after my conversation with jimmy, i went to campus outreach (a ministry that i am beginning to fall in love with). nate discussed records; past, present, and future and how we believe those records give us eternal life. we rely on our own deeds to become closer to God when we know that Jesus is the only way. in this, i realized where i fell. i have been relying on the "christian" things that i do in my life such as going to church, reading the bible, worship, bible studies, etc. instead of relying on Christ. i can't even explain how God used nate to pinpoint this problem in my life. it was incredible. after the message, one of my close friends broke down and told me she feels lost and as if she has no purpose in her life! God literally broke her heart!!!! i got to speak truth into her life and tell her how God has saved my life. she saw first hand that christians are no where near perfect and that we don't have to make ourselves clean for God to love and accept us. my friend kaci and i got to pray together for her and i lost it! THIS IS IT FRIENDS! this is where joy is found. this is why we follow Jesus Christ. he is so incredibly faithful, merciful, and full of grace! PRAISE HIM! i am finding community and seeing God in ways that i never have before. i am learning to follow and trust in the Lord with my whole heart. what a blessing it has been to feel broken. God is the way, the truth, the LIFE! our happiness can only be found in Him and how wonderful it is that he will never fail us! friends, i feel truly alive again. i can't wait to see how God uses me on this campus and how i grow over these next few years!

these are some pictures of my favorite season! i hope your day is filled with the love and joy Christ brings and you see Him in new and interesting ways today. LOVE ALWAYS.

college!

at this exact moment in my life, i feel extremely blessed.

i just feel so surrounded by Christ

and he has been providing me with the greatest community.

i recently started going to campus outreach

and that has been such an awesome thing.

i've been meeting so many people who are alive in Christ

and truly living their lives for him.

also, i started a small group a couple weeks ago

and God has put some wonderful girls together

to learn about him and grow with each other.

the book we are reading through really just

meets you where you are and has been so helpful

and uplifting.

this week, we talked about prayer and our "quiet time"

with Jesus; what it looks like and how to improve it.

i am truly learning so much about my heart

and who i am in Christ.

he never ceases to blow my mind.

last weekend, i got a new roommate!

she is one of the most beautiful people i have ever met.

she is energetic, funny, and will always tell you what's on her mind.

i have come to appreciate these types of people.

it is much easier to solve a problem when you know what it is.

this week, i have felt more at ease and more myself

than the past month and a half combined.

i cannot wait to see what God has in store for our friendship!

this is the verse i have been reflecting on for the past week

and gaining encourage from. i hope it speaks to your heart (:

Psalm 37:1-11

Do not fret because of evil men
or be envious of those who do wrong
for like grass they will soon wither,
like green plants they will soon die away.

Trust in the Lord and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
Delight yourself in the Lord
and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the Lord
trust in him and he will do this:
He will make your righteousness shine like dawn,
the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when men succeed in their wicked ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes.

Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
do not fret - it only leads to evil.
For evil men will be cut off,
but those who hope in the Lord will inherit the land.

A little while and wicked will be no more;
though you look for them, they will not be found.
But the meek will inherit the land and enjoy great peace.

you should've seen that sunrise.

people weren't kidding when they said

college is a huge transistion.

they ease you into it

but after the first month,

they slam you with everything.

its hard trying to make friends

and fit in

and find yourself

and study all at the same time.

don't get me wrong,

i'm having a blast.

but its HARD.

i miss my family, my best friends,

younglife, southland

all the things that were such a huge part of my life.

one huge thing that is bothering me...

i have no accountability here.

no one to talk to about what im struggling with.

hardly anyone to discuss Christ with.

its so hard to find solid community.

i thought that i could develop that with my roommate

but boy was i wrong.

we dont even talk half of the time

let alone have deep convos

i dont want to spend my year

walking on eggshells

in my own room!

the situation just really sucks right now

and i dont know how to make it better...

okay time for some good news...

i see great potential for this year

and my relationship with Christ.

i'm learning to rely on Him fully

and be intentional about everything i say and do.

i have to focus on being Christ-like

in every aspect of my life.

even if that means being looked down upon.

"Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ." Galations 1:10

wow.

it amazes me how much God speaks to you when you allow yourself to sit in the silence.
there has been one thing that has continuously bothered me while i've been at college
and i have been in constant prayer about it for a long time now...just praying for it to be clear.
i believe last night was my answer to everything.
i layed my heart and all of my emotions out on the table and nothing came from it.
i feel as though i was having a conversation with myself with no response back.
maybe i wasn't really listening, or maybe i was phrasing things in the wrong way,
either way i don't feel as though they are grounds for not opening up and conversing.
i spent a thirty minute drive in complete silence. do you really have nothing to say to me!?
on top of that, i was at the same house for a few hours and did he try to talk or hang out at all...
OF COURSE NOT THAT WOULD BE CRAZY!
it was such an awkward situation and i was so frustrated at the end of the night.
especially since it was my last night in lexington for awhile...
but i broke down on the way home and just allowed myself to really listen to God speak.
he told me exactly what i knew all along and set me at peace with this answer.
dont get me wrong, i'm very upset still and i care about this person very much.
but i know when it comes down to it, this is not benefiting my relationship with Christ
and it is not his plan for me at the current time.
so although i am not thrilled by what has happened,
i know that Christ has my best interests at heart and where he leads i will follow.

LORD, I WILL GO WHERE YOU CALL ME AND NOT MAKE A PATH OF MY OWN.
KEEP MY HEART SET ON YOU AND NOT ON THINGS OF THIS WORLD.

Oh, tragedy
Has taken so many
Love lost cause they all
Forgot who You were
And it scares me to think
That I would choose
My life over You
Oh, my selfish heart
Divides me from You
It tears us apart
So tell me

What is our ending?
Will it be beautiful
So beautiful?

Oh, why do I
Let myself let go
Of Hands that painted the stars
And holds tears that fall?
And the pride of my heart
Makes me forget
It's not me but You
Who makes the heart beat
I'm lost without You
And dying from me
So tell me

What is our ending?
Will it be beautiful
So beautiful?

Will my life
Find me by Your side?
Your love is beautiful
So beautiful

At the end of it all
I wanna be in Your arms
At the end of it all
I wanna be in Your arms
At the end of it all
I wanna be in Your arms
At the end of it all
I wanna be in Your arms

So tell me
What is our ending?
Will it be beautiful
So beautiful?
Will my life
Find me by Your side?
'Cause Your love is beautiful
So beautiful

-BARLOWGIRL: BEAUTIFUL ENDING

what can i do but offer my heart completely to you.

wow. God is doing such amazing things in my life right now.

whenever i doubt him, he just provides me with even more than i ask for.

im finding great community at murray already.

people who have this great passion for Jesus

and live to serve Him in everything.

i'm having such a great time learning to depend fully on Christ

instead of depending on Christ through others.

i am so excited for what God is doing right now.

in my life, in others, and in the church.

i dont think it is coincidence that the things i've been hearing and reading

are all about loving Jesus radically and changing the world with that love.

i am so ready to break out of the traditional mold of Christianity

and to just live fully for Jesus Christ.

i miss southland and younglife very much though.

but i know God is blessing both of those organizations so much

and doing great things through the people leading there.

i cant wait to come home and experience the growth that is occuring as we speak!

i know God has placed both of these things in my life for a reason.

although i dont quite know those reasons yet ha

but i'll just stay patient and enjoy the ride for now!

I CANT WAIT TO SEE WHAT GOD DOES THIS SEMESTER (:

lovealways.

a little update on life;

wow guys. let me just start by saying it has been a crazy/hectic/emotional/chaotic week. i said see you later to a few of my bestest friends in the world and it was one of the hardest things i've ever done. but i know my true friends will always be there when i come home and hopefully write me lots of letters! (:

so saturday morning was move in day! i headed to my dorm around 10am, filled out some paperwork, got my id, got my key and headed up to the 6th floor to check things out. to say the least, i was a bit shocked when i opened the door to my room. it looked NOTHING like the pictures i had. (more like a jail cell!) but after 6 hours of lugging boxes up the stairs, unpacking, and organizing, our little cell turned into a homey little place to live (: (go check out the pics on facebook!)

after getting all settled, we met with our first year leader and had some fun activities planned...

we had a few meetings, a cookout, bingo!, movies, fairs, and last night we got to see a hypnotist!!!! it sounds strange but it was one of the funniest things i've ever seen! ah i loved it.

college life so far is going really well. i'm making new friends everyday and experiencing some independence. also, i finished irresistible revolution and i HIGHLY recommend it to everyone! it was one of the most inspirational books i've ever read. yesterday, i picked up crazy love and i've only read two chapters, but so far i really like it. being "on my own" is a very new, strange experience but i'm definitely learning new stuff about myself and learning to not be so dependent on other people.

well thats all for now friends. hopefully i'll be able to post some more updates at the end of this week. GOD BLESS (:

your name is power, breath, and living water;

can i just tell you how much i am in love with the revelation song! check it out on my music playlist. it rocks my world (:

But anyways...currently i am reading a book called "The Irresistible Revolution" by Shane Claiborne and it is all about living radically for Jesus. I don't think it is a coincidence that this is exactly what Southland's new mission is. Something incredible is about to happen/happening in the church. ( and by the church I mean in the global sense) I think it is about time that we all stop living for ourselves and stop playing it safe. Jesus' life was RADICAL. He didn't stay in his house and pray for the poor, he got out and freaking lived with them! He didn't keep a distance from the needy, he didn't hold back from reaching to the lepers of society, he went there! He loved them by reaching out and touching them. He didn't hide the gospel or only tell people what they wanted to hear...instead he told them what they needed to hear...the very thing that would transform their lives. For way too long, we have been shaping the gospel and even Jesus to make Him safe and the exact thing WE want Him to be instead of the person He is! It's time to stop living in the comfort of our "religion". It's time to stop living for ourselves and start living for Jesus. I'm ending the selfishness of myself. All of the hypocrisy I live by daily. I want my life and every aspect of it to reflect Jesus. I don't want anyone I encounter to question where my faith lies. I'm going to live RADICALLY for Christ. Go where He went. Love the way He loved. See people as people instead of the labels society puts on them. I'm sick of living a double-standard. It's about time I make a change. Why would I ever hide the one thing which has saved me, redeemed me, loved me despite my flaws?? My life has changed in more ways that I can count. I am forever grateful and I'm going to live it out with every ounce of my being!!!!

Some quotes I'm loving:

"In the face of the oppressed I recognize my own face, and in the hands of the oppressor I recognize my own hands. Their flesh is my flesh, their blood is my blood, their pain is my pain, and their smile is my smile." - Henry Nouwen

"The true atheist is the one who refuses to see God's image in the face of their neighbor."

"When we look through the eyes of Jesus, we see new things in people. In the murderers we see our own hatred. In the addicts, we see our own addictions. In the saints, we catch glimpses of our own holiness. We can see our own brokenness, our own violence, our own ability to destroy, and we can see our own sacredness, our own capacity to love and forgive. When we realize that we are both wretched and beautiful, we are freed up to see others the same way." - Shane Claiborne


Oh and if you want to hear some amazing stories of forgiveness, start here:
http://www.theforgivenessproject.com/stories/bud-welch

isn't life beautiful?!

for some reason, i'm just in a picture mood today.
these pictures resemble beauty to me at its finest.
the cross, new zealand mountains, flowers, the sky,
the old, the young, and a helping hand.
i hope these pictures speak to your heart and
encourage you to look for beauty in the small things.
thats all for now (:


LOVE ALWAYS.

Summer is coming to an end....

and this has by far been the best summer of my life. My eyes have been opened to new things and I have met some of the most amazing people. I have learned more about our Creator and thus more about myself. I went to Work Crew at Timberwolf Lake in Michigan and it honestly was a life-changing experience for me. I had the opportunity to serve campers by cleaning bathrooms (which was actually so much fun!). I made friendships that I know are going to last forever even if we live hundreds of miles away. I grew closer to God and saw Him in ways that I never imagined. And I got to take a look at the last 18 years of my life and see how God has redeemed me and transformed me to who I am today. This summer has been one of many changes, to say the least. My mom got married, we moved from Lexington to Nicholasville, and I'm going to Murray for college in two weeks. I am so excited for all of these things happening in my life and also, nervous. But, I know God has great plans for me and so much in store that I have yet to experience. I am more than excited to continue this journey with Him and allow Him to be in control while I sit along for the ride (:

Love always <3